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The Secret Lanuage of Women

It's quiet in the house as I sit down to toward women's clothes and household
an early breakfast watching the TV news, knickknacks. She drags me through the
a favorite book readied by me side for stores looking for bargains, exchanging
the commercials. A faint noise from the items she bought last week for new
above and a slithery sound on the stairs ones. She asks my opinion on wall
sibnals the premature arrival of my sconces, sweater sets, cooking pots,
spouse, ready to do battle. 'Good flower arrangements and glassware. My
mornings' are followed by a crashing a priorities are strictly based on function
cacophony from the direction of the and quality. Her priorities are exact
dishwasher which is being emptied. Then matching shades of color, how it will fit
sink sounds plow through the air to my in with the other ten thousand
sensitive ears, completely covering the knickknacks, and whether the store will
breaking news. the message in this take it back.Soon I find myself three
performance is that there is a lot of steps behind, finding places to sit down,
work to do today and I had beter help her getting into conversations with the sales
do it. I counter by mentioning al the people and mimicking E.T. saying "Home".
things I had already performed to no A remark that she never goes shopping
avail. I suggest that she make out a with me to Sears Hardware or Crazy Max's
list of projects waiting to be done but Electronic Wonderland is met with a blank
get only a long harangue on how the last stare, a half smile, and a look that
list she made twenty years ago was half means an out-of-hand dismissal of the
crossed off and the other half ignored. idea. The only saving of the day is a
What a memory!I have become adept at nice coffee and yogurt break in the
pattering on conversationally to a stony middle.Through all the variations of
face and buttoned lips. The meaning meaningful looks, reminders of past
contained in this feminine language mistakes and silent treatments, the
translates that I have said or done expression I see on her face of pure
something completely unsympathetic or happiness when presented with an
have not done something supportive to her unexpected bouquet of flowers or a needed
cause. I usually try to jump over this chore done while she was last minute food
lack of communication by announcing the shopping for guests makes her secret
start of a new project dear to her heart, language all worth while.Next year we'll
hoping that the real cause of her silence be married for 40 years. I've been in
will reveal itself.An offer to go love with the same woman all that time.
shopping with her brings on a instant No, not great - if my wife finds out,
happy response, in spite of the knowledge she'll kill me. Just kidding.
of my notoriously short attention span




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